Internet Connection Special Event, Sunday, March 3, 1996, 10pm ET.
Special Guest: Rev. Ivan Stang
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CJ Ellen: Rev. Ivan Stang is president and Sacred Scribe of The SubGenius Foundation in Dallas, key administrator of the Church of the SubGenius disorganizational headquarters, and First Lackey under "Bob" Dobbs since 1979. The Church of the SubGenius calls itself "an order of Scoffers and Blasphemers, dedicated to Total Slack, delving in Mockery Science, Sadofuturistics, Megaphysics, Schizophreniatrics, and more. It exists to spread the Word of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs: guru, High Epopt, and Saint of Sales -- that grinning man with the pipe that The Conspiracy would claim doesn't even exist. And Rev. Stang is our special guest tonight. Welcome to America Online, Rev. Tell us what you've been up to lately. I heard you were on tour.
SubGStang1: Oh thanks. These things are better than radio talk shows... they can't hear you blow your nose, etc.
CJ Ellen: Yes, but they can see your typos ;)
SubGStang1: Yes, I and Dr. K'taden Legume and our manager Jesus Devilacqua toured... with a circus of sorts.
CJ Ellen: A circus? Tent, etc?
SubGStang1: We did 10 cities. The circus is called Circus Apocalypse. They eat fire and rant. We preach to sinners in nightclubs mainly. The Circus guys keep the audience interested, between bouts of "Bob" preaching. Audiences at SubGenius devivals seem to be especially drunken and heckling-oriented.
CJ Ellen: Could you please explain to me exactly what "slack" is? I'm pretty old and "slacks" were something we wore :)
SubGStang1: You've heard the expression, "Cut me some Slack." "There ain't enough Slack." Well, it's true. The conspiracy of the normal people robs away the Slack of the abnormals and the SubGenii. And the conspiracy doesn't know what Slack IS! All they know is, we have something they can't understand. The important thing is, Slack is different to each person. My idea of Slack might be ... oh, cavbortin, cavirting with a Prairie Squid. But somebody else might want to SHOOT Prairie Squids for Slack.
SubGStang1: I might get Slack from, say, KILLING people who SHOOT my beloved Prairie Squids. "Bob" Dobbs is the Living Avatar of Slack. He is a Short Duration Personal Savior specializing in Slack. He brings not forgiveness, but excuses. And we worship his mighty butt, one might say.
CJ Ellen: What or who are the SubGenii?
SubGStang1: The SubGenii or SubGeniuses (either spelling works) are the descendants of the mighty Yeti, the Adorable Snowmen and Bigfeet who created the lost civilization of Mutantis 80 million years ago. Aliens called Xists aided them. "Bob" is the leader of we, the halfblood Yetinsyn. We are part human and part Yeti. Unfortunately most of us have more human taint than Yeti DNA. But we try.
CJ Ellen: We have a couple of audience questions. Let's take a moment to answer them.
SubGStang1: The SubGenii are those weirdos, mutants and misfits who refuse to let the Normals dictate to us what Slack is. Bring on the peanut gallery!
CJ Ellen: From MMlngalls:
Question: Praise Bob, Rev.: are you coming back to Winterstar or to Starwood anytime soon?
SubGStang1: The sponsors of Starwood are still arguing about that. Pester them and tell 'em the police presence is WORTH it!
CJ Ellen: and Kiperious wants to know:
Question: Is the Last Day still to be in July 1998?
SubGStang1: July 5, 1998, at 7 in the morning, The Rupture of the Equilibrium, X-Day, The Last Call, shall happen, and all dues-paying SubGenius ministers shall be lifted up in power and glory to the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddessses. I still have faith. We are about to start having X-Day Drills every X-Day at a campground near Sherman New York. Same place where that pagan event, Starwood is held.
CJ Ellen: And here's another from the audience:
SubGStang1: Be there or be square. Whatsa matter, don't you want to be COOL? EVERYBODY's doing it.
Question: RussTBone: Greetings and good wishes SubG. Would you please describe your attire for this evening's affair?
SubGStang1: Not a bad question...tattered black jeans, tennis shoes, a Hendrix t-shirt, and my Electric Fez. When preaching in public, I wear a white prom tux, but I look too much like Yanni that way so I'm planning to switch to a mirrored jacket like REAL preachers use. I mean, the more highly paid ones on TV.
CJ Ellen: Electric Fez?
SubGStang1: Like Shriners wear, only this one has little microwave brain stimulators inside. I keep mine turned up to TEN. Next month I'll get the new model, which goes all the way up to 11. If you turn the Fez past 12 you overheat and blow a fuse in your skull, so they don't make THOSE anymore.
CJ Ellen: Next we have a question about noise. From Monchhich:
Question: Mister Rev. Ivan Stang, is there ANY escape from noise?
SubGStang1: "Escape from noise"? That's a Negativland reference. WHY would one WANT to escape from noise? I say, TURN THAT MUTHAH UP TO THIRTEEN!!!
CJ Ellen: What is noise?
SubGStang1: I think he means just plain noise. Maybe he means Sacred Noise, like the Church bands play. I hate that stuff personally, but I have to listen to it. I play as little as possible of it on THE HOUR OF SLACK, the Church radio show. WHICH by the way, you can tune in now on the Net.
CJ Ellen: Tell us how, please.
SubGStang1: http://sunsite.unc.edu/subgenius and click on "LIVE SUBGENIUS INTERNET RADIO." Our show is out in TrueSpeech format.
CJ Ellen: Is that where your fans can reach you if they want to write to you?
SubGStang1: http://sunsite.unc.edu/subgenius is the main Offishul SubGenius Web SIte. One can email me from there. One can get into all KINDS of trouble there. Speaking of which, is what I'm doing on my website illegal yet? Are the new laws in effect yet? Are they gonna come and shoot me like a common Branch Davidian for cussing on the Internet? (Not on AOL, I mean the BIG net.(
CJ Ellen: I don't think they'll be coming for you quite yet. There's some sort of court case which is holding up enforcement.
SubGStang1: Incidentally, you realize I only work for "Bob." There should be Dobbs fans but not STang fans. Unless they want to pay me a little more. We'd rather people worship the graven image of "Bob" and not come pestering us in person. Pester HIM!
CJ Ellen: Moving on. Here's a question about the spread of your ministry from JCDMGUAD:
Question: Well The Church of the Subgenius perseveres!! Have you spread out with ministries? Ordained others to spread the word yet???
SubGStang1: What a pretty name. JCDMGUAD. We have 4 books out, 500 radio episodes, 4 videos, and about 40,000 Minister/Members. Well, maybe not 40,000. There are about half a dozen PROFESSIONAL-type SubGenius preachers, who actually make real $$ doing it. There are several thousand Lesser Bobbies.
This thing is bigger than some would want to think. It has frightened the authorities here and there.
CJ Ellen: An appropriate follow-up question from Monchhichi:
Question: What do you have to say about "Bob" imposters and fake slack?
SubGStang1: Simple. If somebody says they're "Bob," KILL HIM. If he rises from the dead he's "Bob" Dobbs. If he doesn't, good riddance. False Slack is better than No Slack at all.
CJ Ellen: Fatty A wants to know:
Question: What's the Church's position on the Principia Discordia?
SubGStang1: Mr. Arbuckle, the Church was founded on the same shifting, sandy beaches as that noble tome. Discordianism was one of Dobbs' early experiments. It's even less commercial than SubGenius, though. Hail Eris anyway, as if she needed the hailing.
CJ Ellen: Pasta 57 is thinking about changing careers:
Question: How does one become a minister?
SubGStang1: First and foremost, send $30 to the SubGenius Foundation at PO Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214, for the Ministerial Membership Packet. You might first want to read and memorize THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS and/or REVELATION X, both Simon & Schuster books, available in better bookstores. And keep up the F.I.B., the FAITH in "BOB"! And always remember to QUOTE the name "BOB."
CJ Ellen: Here's a question about Bob from Ellsworth3:
Question: How does Bob find the time to be both Rev. Bob *and* the owner of the Internet?
SubGStang1: "Bob"'s Slack is an endless font. He doesn't "need" "time" to do these things, they simply happen because his Slack demands it. The entire universe revolves around providing Dobbs with Perfect Slack. You DON'T want to be in his path when that's happening. His SLack has to come from somewhere, and it might be YOU!!
CJ Ellen: Onuris is thinking about the upcoming presidential elections and asks:
Question: Aliens for Bob would like to know if any of the SubChurch Clergy will be running for president of the US?
SubGStang1: Hmmm... of course a lot of people write in "Bob." None of the Hierarchy of the Church that I know of would want to dirty their hands and sully their Slack with politics. We're what's called: PATRIO-PSYCHOTIC ANARCHO-MATERIALISTS. Every yard a kingdom, every checkbook a queendom, every child and dog a SERF. Some suggest that Alan Keyes is a Rogue SubGenius, a SubGenius gone off the deep end.
CJ Ellen: Here's a question from Dave Ax about links:
Question: Please ask Mr. Stang to discuss the covert links between his "church" and BullDaDa Time Control Laboratories, of Dallas TX.
SubGStang1: You have it backwards. The Church isn't "mine." I just work for its main p.r. firm, The SubGenius Foundation. Bulldada Time Control Labroratories is my personal multimedia empire, which is different. The Illuminati could propably sort out all the corporate interlocking directorates better than I can.
CJ Ellen: Yeti 47 has a question about the Subgenius philosophy:
Question: Rev. Stang, wot an honor! You are the slack-slack-slackiest! Do you have any idea how close the Subgenius philosophy parallels nacent modern psychology? Which came first? When did all that wonderful subgeniosity get scribed?
SubGStang1: Modern psychology is all false superstitious claptrap and nonsense, just like atsrology and MTV. 95% of what's in our books was originally said or scrawled by Dobbs. We just piece it all together. "Bob" sold it, I smoked it, that settles it. "Slack-slack-slackiest".... Jeez....
CJ Ellen: Speaking of "Bob," Yeti asks:
Question: Have you noticed the image of Bob on the Letterman show set? A sliver of his image appears right next to the Marlboro Man.
SubGStang1: Yeah, but don't tell Letterman! If his producers find out who that Pipe Face guy is, they'll probably take it off the set. That one is a complete mystery to us. Although we have been told repeatedly that the Letterman show has a POLICY against any mention of Church of the SubGenius. Something about fear of mail from little old Christian ladies or something.
CJ Ellen: From Skatepunk:
Question: What is your thought on the use of "Bob's" face on the cover of the Sublime CD, 40 oz. to freedom?
SubGStang1: WHAT??? Sublime, 40 oz to freedom? HUH? Nobody asked US!!! Figures.
CJ Ellen: Chico wants to know:
Question: Is it true that Bob invented liquid soap??
SubGStang1: YES! He invented it in 1946, a special brand called "SOAP GOD." The FDA pulled it from the market after a year because, while it DID make old people's skin smooth, it made young people's skin very wrinkled and kind of purplish.
CJ Ellen: There's a lot of interest in "Bob" tonight. SPINaps wants to know:
Question: Reverend, what does Bob watch on TV?
SubGStang1: I don't know because he doesn't let me hang out with him. Probably "whatever's on." I've heard "Bob" likes cartoons. Ren & Stimpy. He's been ON that show.
CJ Ellen: And another question about what "Bob" likes:
Question: What does 'Bob' think about dependency infrastructures?
SubGStang1: ?????? Sounds like a STINKING CONSPIRACY JARGON DOUBLESPEAK NEW WORLD ORDER TYPE OF PHRASE TO ME!! Where are the SubGenius HATERS?? Don't these people realize we are trying to DESTROY their WORLD? or at least IRRITATE them?
CJ Ellen: And a good question to wrap this up with. From DoBU007:
Question: How do I approach becoming divine??
SubGStang1: One approaches the divine through a special partition in time and space, a "doorway" that happens to coincide with the space occupied by PO BOX 140306, Dallas, TX 75214. A simple LOVE OFFERING will grant you ACCESS to the PATH of LEAST RESISTANCE... the "WAY" of the "BOB."
CJ Ellen: Rev, before we finish here, there were a couple of questions about where your radio show is heard. What, when, where, etc. Can you give us a quick round-up of when to listen? And where, of course.
SubGStang1: 15 stations all east of the Mississippi, for some reason. All different times. See "CURRENT SUBGENIUS RADIO" off the first page of the SubSITE, http://sunsite.unc.edu/subgenius. Or you can hear the show in warbly TrueSpeech from that website, if you have a fast modem, good gear, and a for-real Internet local access PPP connection. This has been, as alwa in my entire life. Some life, huh. PRAISE "BOB"!!!
CJ Ellen: Great! Thanks for being our guest tonight. Goodnight, everyone.
